The Evil Sandwich

Once upon a brunch I bought a Sandwich from a gnarled and rustic seller ensconced quite gaily in a gaudy booth one inauspicious day.

‘Twas ham and cheese: I remember it well, as if ‘twere but this very toothsome morn itself that I reluctantly but expectantly forked over six clinking dollarim — sponduleks if you will — to that aged and curly purveyor within zir gaudy booth that foul and fractious day.

And though the absence of tomato hinted at the manifestation of dark forces as repulsive as a botched cosmological constant, still I remained initially at least unaware if not absent-minded as to the true and fundamental nature of the Sandwich.

My short-lived ignorance was indeed short-lived. ‘Twas sometime after the second bite, as I recall, but before the third, that the fiendish crusty triangles of that satanic finger food declared their foul intentions, made plain their demonic objective: to provoke an acid indigestion so potent and toxic as to render the very word “stomach” devoid of meaning and/or significance in this or any other reality.

But the gods were smiling through the clouds. Gadzooks! I almost failed to hear the soft, heroic clunk of two antacid tablets bumping against each other in my pocket that very instant. ‘Twas then I remembered that in my other pocket lurked a miniature, fold-up, anti-sandwich rifle loaded with silver bullets.

After chewing an antacid tablet, methought myself to club the sandwich-seller to death with the rifle. Upon which event I retrieved my sponduleks, and gaily went about my merry way upon that grey and mouldy day.

Was the sandwich truly evil? Was the gnarled and rustic seller an accessory to cholera? Was the absence of tomato as heinous as Einstein's crime*? Get another perspective and a free set of steak knives.

Just one of over 60 bizarritudes published in NIGHTMERRIES the Lighter Side of Darkness for kindle, tablet, smartphone or e-reader.

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eBooks by Cosmic Rapture
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NIGHTMERRIES: THE LIGHTER SIDE OF DARKNESS. This so-called "book" will chew you up, spit you out, and leave you twitching and frothing on the carpet. More than 60 dark and feculent fictions (read ‘em and weep) copiously and grotesquely illustrated.

AWAREWOLF & OTHER CRHYMES AGAINST HUMANITY (Vot could be Verse?). We all hate poetry, right? But we might make an exception for this sick and twisted stuff. This devil's banquet of adults-only offal features more than 50 satanic sonnets, vitriolic verses and odious odes.

MANIC MEMES & OTHER MINDSPACE INVADERS. A disturbing repository of quirky quotes, sayings, proverbs, maxims, ponderances, adages and aphorisms. This menagerie holds no fewer than 184 memes from eight meme-species perfectly adapted to their respective environments.

MASTRESS & OTHER TWISTED TAILS. An unholy corpus of oddities, strangelings, bizarritudes and peculiaritisms, including but not limited to barbaric episodes of herring-flinging and kipper-kissing. A cacklingly bizarre read that may induce fatal hysteria. Not Recommended!

FIENDS & FREAKS and serpents, dragons, devils, lobsters, anguished spirits, hungry ghosts, hell-beings, zombies, organ-grinders, anti-gods, gods and other horse-thieves you wouldn't want to meet in a dark cosmos. Immature Content! Adults Maybe.

HAGS TO HAGGIS. An obnoxious folio featuring a puke of whiskey-soaked war-nags, witches, maniacs, manticores and escapegoats. Not to mention (please don't!) debottlenecking and desilofication, illustrated. Take your brain for a walk on the wild side. Leave your guts behind.

* Einstein described the cosmological constant as his biggest blunder.